You’re talking to someone you weren’t particularly attracted to. Nothing is supposed to be happening. Then they start explaining something, you ask another question, and at some point you realise you’re paying a different kind of attention.
You want this conversation to keep going. You’re also suddenly much more aware of how close they’re sitting.
Maybe they’re funny in a way you didn’t expect. Maybe they notice something you’ve walked past a hundred times. Maybe they disagree with you, but their reason is so interesting that you want to hear the rest of it.
Whatever happened, a photo wouldn’t have shown you that part.
You might not know what interests you until someone does it
If someone asks what your type is, you can probably name a few things. It’s harder to describe the exact way a person gets carried away explaining something, or how they respond when you say something they hadn’t considered.
“Intelligent” doesn’t quite cover it. You can think someone is extremely smart and have no interest in spending another hour with them. You can also listen to someone explain a completely ordinary decision and find yourself wanting to know them better.
Perhaps you like that they can admit they were wrong without getting weird about it. Perhaps they take your question seriously even though they know far more about the subject. Or perhaps you’ve finally met someone who finds the same tiny, ridiculous thing funny.
Those are difficult things to put in a checklist before you’ve experienced them with a person.
Give the conversation something to work with
This doesn’t mean you should force yourself to date someone you aren’t interested in. It also doesn’t mean an entertaining conversation tells you whether someone will be a good partner.
It means there’s useful information in hearing a person develop a thought. If most of your conversation is an exchange of facts about yourselves, you may not have reached that information yet.
When someone mentions a choice they made, ask about the part that wasn’t obvious. What made them take that job? Was moving away an easy decision? What do they like about the hobby that sounds boring to everyone else?
Then actually respond to their answer. Offer your own view. Let it become a conversation instead of working through questions as if there’s a correct order.
You don’t need to ask about their worst experience or their biggest regret to find out something interesting. Sometimes the way they talk about their neighbourhood gives you more to go on than a very serious question they don’t particularly want to answer.
There can be more to discover after a good first impression
It’s easy to imagine attraction as something you check at the beginning, then use to decide whether to continue. But the conversation can be part of how you find out.
A compelling conversation can give you a reason to continue. It doesn't establish how someone behaves over time, whether your expectations fit, or how they treat you when the conversation is less exciting.
Notice whether they are curious about you too. Let ordinary interactions add information about how they treat you when the conversation is less exciting.
That possibility is one reason Sinapsis starts with what people write. You can come across a thought, become curious about the person behind it, and respond privately. You already have something you want to talk about.
Your photos and basic details can show parts of your life. A few things you have written can show what you do with an experience: what you questioned, found funny, disagreed with, or couldn't quite explain.
That writing doesn't have to be impressive. A thoughtful account of why you love a particular ordinary ritual may say more about you than an abstract statement about meaning.
A Thoughts Portfolio on Sinapsis lets you choose thoughts for a public page and share one link. If you want to give someone more to respond to than a photo or a list of interests, that is another way to show them how you think.
Sometimes that interest might become attraction. Sometimes you’ve just found someone you’d happily spend an evening talking to.
Either way, it’s a pretty good reason to ask one more question.