You meet someone who agrees with you about everything you’re tired of explaining. The same things annoy them. They like the thing your friends don’t get. Halfway through a sentence, they already know where you’re going.
It’s a lovely feeling. You can relax a little.
Then, a few conversations later, they say something you really disagree with. For a second, it feels as if the person has changed. But you’re also getting information you didn’t have when the conversation was easy.
Do you still want to hear how they reached that answer? Do they want to hear why you reached yours?
Work out what you disagree about
Sometimes you’re arguing about a fact you could check. Sometimes you agree on the facts and care about different consequences. Sometimes you’ve been using the same word to mean different things for twenty minutes.
Before escalating the conversation, try saying what you understand their view to be. Let them correct it. Then explain the particular part you disagree with.
This isn’t a promise that you’ll end up agreeing. It just gives the disagreement a more accurate target. It’s hard to learn anything while defending yourself against a position you never held.
You can also ask whether they’re stating a settled view or trying out an idea. People sometimes speak confidently about something they’ve only just started thinking through.
Pay attention to what they do with your answer
Do they respond to the point you made? Can they admit that you’ve raised a difficulty? Do they ask a question because they want the answer, or because they’re waiting for you to say the wrong thing?
Ask yourself the same questions. It’s possible to want someone who challenges you in theory and then resent the actual experience of being challenged.
You don’t have to become perfectly calm or articulate to have a useful disagreement. You can say that something bothered you, ask for time to think, or come back later. What matters is whether both people allow the conversation to develop instead of treating every sentence as a permanent verdict.
Some disagreements really do change the relationship
There’s no obligation to find every difference interesting. A disagreement about taste may be fun. A disagreement about how you deserve to be treated can affect whether you want this person close to you at all.
You can understand someone’s reasoning and still decide their position matters too much to overlook. You can also like them while choosing not to discuss a particular topic together.
The point of hearing them out is to understand who you’re talking to. It doesn’t require approving of what you learn.
Leave room to discover something you didn’t expect
Occasionally, the surprising part is that you still like talking to them. You disagree, but they’ve made you notice a complication. Or you’ve changed their mind about one small part without either of you having to declare a winner.
That possibility matters to us at Sinapsis. A thought can make you curious because it feels familiar, but it can also make you curious because you would never have put it that way. You can respond privately and find out more.
Agreement may have made the first conversation easy. What happens during the first disagreement can tell you whether you want a second kind of conversation with this person too.
For more on recognizing a response that takes your view seriously, read being understood does not always mean being agreed with.